Buttons People Hit A Lot Thinking That Hitting Them A Lot Makes The Thing Work Faster Or Better

Elevators get inspected every 28 years or whatever, so they work NO PROBLEM. Though apparently not fast enough for people who are in a hurry and have to take a wicked caffeine-induced grumpy, so they hit the “door close” button over and over again until the elevator closes. The thing is, because they’re POUNDING that thing, the door WILL close after ONE of the pushes; “If it wasn’t for me, we’d all still be stuck on that thing!” they tell themselves before posting up for a high five. Yes, you did it. 14 pushes and the door would have just remained open and we’d all be on the stairs cursing your previously unimpeachable name. Good thing you went in for that 15th push.

“Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he di—I should probably text him.”

Microwave radiation poisoning is no joke. Did you know that last year, more than 165 people died? I’m not sure from what, but they are NO LONGER ALIVE. Protect yourself by following these three easy steps:

1. Ensure your microwave is turned COMPLETELY OFF before opening by hitting the “stop/clear” button repeatedly for 20 minutes.
2. Wear lead face mask at all times to protect those peepers.
3. Write a book titled, “A Life Lived Fully.”

Look, I’m aware that SOME DVRs reset to the slowest fast-forward setting if you hit the fast-forward button when the DVR is fast-forwarding at its fastest speed. If so, this is yet another arena of your life in which the impossible and compulsive pursuit of perfection can make merely existing feel like a chore. For everyone else: You look at your TV, see a series of out-of-context stills, and think, “Let’s make it LESS possible for me to actually start the thing right after the commercial break, necessitating some fast rewinding as well which just adds more time to the whole process.” You are a champion and a dreamer